


Questionable Parenting ft. Lucifer and Lilith

by Wazza



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: A LOT OF DIALOGUE, Basically me just wanting to write Lucifer, Family Bonding, Just wanna have some fun with this one, Lilith and Lucifer don’t know how parenting works, Swearing, guess that’s cute, no real story unless my inspiration goes bRRrrRr, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26331265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wazza/pseuds/Wazza
Summary: How do you take care of children again?
Relationships: Charlie Magne & Lilith Magne & Lucifer Magne, Charlie Magne + Seviathan Von Eldritch, Charlie Magne/Seviathan Von Eldritch, Charlie Magne/Vaggie, Helsa Von Eldritch + Charlie, Lilith Magne/Lucifer Magne, but that one’s later, that one is less later
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	Questionable Parenting ft. Lucifer and Lilith

**Author's Note:**

> Ha guess who’s got ✨writer’s block✨  
> A friendly reminder that I’m terrible at doing regular updates, cOugH couGh don’t kill me  
> I’m writing this one mainly for fun, I’ll probably just update whenever I come up with more terrible ways to take care of a child
> 
> Just so you all know, there’s a LOT of dialogue in this one, just me testing out Lucifer and Lilith. Tell me if I did a good job :D 
> 
> If you’re not a fan of excessive banter, please don’t read ty ily

“How do I hold this thing?”

“Support the head, don’t just let it bobble by itself!”

“Like this?”

“No, now you’re not even holding her properly.”

Lucifer frowned, an unusual look on his typically jolly face, and shifted the baby in his arms again. He was now folding the baby.

“What did you even do?” Lilith sighed tiredly, shaking her head. She motioned for him to give her the child. “Here, just let me show you.”

“How would you know?” He huffed, despite handing the baby over.

Their child had finally been put to rest, and the two wed demons had decided to take this time and make it a practice session for Lucifer, who knew absolutely nothing about children.

“It’s called motherly instinct, something you couldn’t possibly comprehend.” She replied, now placing one hand under the small demon’s head and the other on it’s back. “See? Now she’s supported properly, and she won’t just fall over.” Lucifer placed a hand on his chin, as if investigating them. Lilith rolled her eyes and held the baby out.

“Ok. Now try it yourself.” He seemed to be contemplating it.

“Why do I need to know this again?” He asked, slightly shaking his head. He hadn’t moved to hold the baby himself, instead only looking up at his wife.

“We wouldn’t want to give her childhood trauma, would we? It’d be incredibly sad to know your own father didn’t want to hold you as a baby.” She moved the baby out farther to Lucifer. The small form shifted slightly, eyes still closed in it’s deep slumber.

“My father didn’t hold me when I was a baby.” Lucifer muttered.

“Don’t be a drama queen and hold her.” Lilith had had enough, and pushed the baby into Lucifer’s arms. He made a sound of protest, but the yawn that escaped the child’s lips shut him up, already frantically trying to hold her correctly. Lilith couldn’t help but chuckle, earning a short lived glare from Lucifer, before he continued attempting to hold the infant properly.

“Move your arms up a bit.” She added a bit of encouragement, which although Lucifer pretended it bothered him, it did show that it helped, his quick movements becoming less rigid. He finally held the infant properly, and had succeeded in not letting her fall.

“Perfect, just like that.” Lilith beamed, and moved beside her husband to look at their child. A relieved grin spread across Lucifer’s face, as he could finally look at his daughter without almost accidentally killing her.

The baby yawned again, and shifted in Lucifer’s arms. Seems she’d wake up soon. He looked at Lilith.

“What do I do?” He whispered, not wanting to make the child wake up and start screaming.

“Keep holding her.” Lilith whisper-replied, also not wanting to have her ears broken.

“Shouldn’t I put her back in the crib? That seems logical.”

“No. Keep holding her.”

“She’ll wake up and start screaming!” He whisper-hissed.

“No she won’t, you’re her goddamn father, she shouldn’t be scared of you, despite how unattractive you are.” She whisper-hissed as well.

“Excuse you? You literally had a child with me what the fuck is this?”

“It seems I've had a change of heart.”

“Change of heart my ass. But fine, if you don’t want all of this anymore,” he dramatically extended a leg, which was impressive considering he was in the middle of holding a baby. “Then I’ll be happy to oblige.”

“Oh shush you dwarf, you don’t even have anything to miss.”

“Dwarf?! I’m the ruler of Hell!” He raised his voice slightly.

“Doesn’t make you any taller.”

“I will fucking strangle you.”

“I’d like to see you try and reach, short stuff.”

And Lucifer said some not very nice words and Lilith also said some not very nice words and they raised their voices and the baby was awake.

Lilith was the first to notice, clamping a hand over Lucifer’s mouth to shut him up. He made a not very quiet sound of protest, and then realized from Lilith’s darting eyes that their baby was in fact, not sleeping. Their daughter was completely quiet, only staring at the two of them with them big ol eyes. The two parents were also completely quiet, cautiously looking at their daughter before looking at each other, and then looking back at their daughter.

Lucifer broke the silence. “She’s got your eyes.”

“Oh she does, doesn’t she? She’s got your cheeks.” Lilith patted the baby’s cheeks, earning an adorable giggle from their daughter. Lucifer and Lilith beamed at each other. 

“I wonder how many swear words we taught her,” Lucifer thought out loud, receiving a response of a half hearted slap on the back of the head from Lilith. 

“Can’t even let me enjoy my time with my baby.” Lilith smirked. 

The infant cooed, lifting up both her hands. Lilith extended her pointer finger, which their daughter wrapped her tiny hand around. Lucifer seemed to wonder how to do this without dropping her. And then he remembered, oh yeah, he’s got cool demon powers. His hand of which was supporting the baby’s back started to shift, and split into two. The splitting traversed through his entire arm, and he now has an extra limb. He put out his own pointer finger, and she wrapped her other tiny hand around his finger, not even noticing that he now has three arms. How adorable.

“Lookit how small her fingers are!” Lucifer gaped. “She could barely strangle a person with these little nubs.” He shook the finger slightly, making her arm bounce a little. She giggled, and Lucifer’s grin turned wider. 

“Have you not looked at her entire body recently? Everything about her is small. It’s so pathetic, and absolutely adorable.” Lilith pinched their daughter’s cheek lightly. The infant squealed. 

“It seems we have the burden of raising this little thing.” 

“How sad.”

“How miserable.”

“Alas.” Lilith shook her head dramatically.

“We should name it, I’m tired of calling it a thing.” Lucifer released his finger from the baby’s grip, the response being a small whine. He booped her nose and all was forgiven. 

“Ooo yes, we should do that. What names come to mind when you look at her?”

“Bartholemew.”

“That’s a terrible name. Your naming privileges are gone.” 

“Aw, shucks, guess you’ve got to name her.” Lucifer snapped his fingers with his free hand, pretending a disappointed face.

“You are insufferable.” Lilith shook her head.

“I’m actually Lucifer, I’ve never met anybody named insufferable.” 

Lilith made a horrified face at him. The baby laughed. Lucifer winked, grin as wide as ever.

“I should have never married you.” Lilith said. She shushed him before he could say something sad and depressing about his love life, and put a hand to her chin, thinking. 

“My arms are getting tired.” Lucifer stated unnecessarily. 

“How exciting. I do love the name Charlotte.” Lilith said, looking down at their baby’s adorable little face.

Lucifer’s face scrunched slightly. “Charlotte? That kinda sounds like a spoiled bitch name.” 

“It’s at least 100 times better than Bartholomew.” Lilith pointed out.

“0 times 100 is still 0.” Lucifer also pointed out.

“Shut up. Her name is Charlotte, or Charlie, if that’s what you prefer, you hooligan.” 

“Hooligan? Me? Never.” Lucifer peered at the infant. “Hmm, I do like Charlie.”

“Then it’s settled. Full name Charlotte Magne, but we refer to her as Charlie.” 

“Perfect. Completely unlike this child.” Lucifer poked Charlie’s belly. She squealed. “She’s so chubby. We should make her work out.”

“She is not even three days old.” 

“Make her start early. We’ll even get her a mini treadmill.” 

“No.”

“You’re such a spoil sport. One day I will host a public event where babies have to work out. It will be glorious.”

“That’s called child abuse.”

“Tomato, tomahto.”

“You are...no, I won’t say it this time.”

“Good to see you’ve learned your lesson. Fear the dad jokes.”

“You are an exceptional father.”

“Thank you, I’ll be expecting my award by Tuesday.”

“Spoiler alert, it’ll be toilet paper, considering how shitty your jokes are.”

“This is blasphemy. A scandal. Bullying. What have I ever done to deserve this? My heart is broken.”

“That’s good, considering I’ll be breaking more things later.”

“Was that supposed to be kinky? I’m taking it as yes, it was meant to be kinky.”

“Shut up and write her name in the book, before I kinkily break your neck.”

The book, in fact, was a place where all the names of sinners would go. There were many pages filled up, but the book was impossible to finish. Sometimes the names were written in themselves, sometimes Lucifer had to do it himself, which was a chore that he disliked. The book did not have a name, and was just referred to as “the book”. The reason for that was because Lucifer is terrible at naming things, and Lilith has better things to do than name a book.

“Oh, you are such a tease!” Lucifer said, about to get the book before remembering that he was in fact holding a child. “Oh, well would you look at that. It seems there’s a child in my arms. Alas, seems I can’t write in this state.”

“Give her to me, jackass. Oh, we’re not supposed to be swearing in front of her.”

“Ah, too bad, seems the damage has been done. I’m going to predict that her first word will be fuck.” Lucifer extended out his arms.

“You are not helping.” Lilith took Charlie from his grip, and the baby instantly snuggled up in Lilith’s arms.

“Oh, now that is adorable. It’s a sin to be that cute.” The third arm has merged with his other arm again, and he was back to having two arms. The book popped in front of him, along with a quill pen. He opened the book, and on the very first page, his and Lilith’s names had been etched on it. He scratched in Charlie’s name right under.

“There. She is now officially our child. And also the princess of Hell.” He snapped the book shut, the book and pen disappearing.

“Can’t forget that,” Lilith muttered. Charlie’s eyes fluttered, and she began dozing off.

“Well, it seems we are now a family, so therefore we must-“ Lucifer began, before being interrupted by Lilith.

“We are not watching movies on Friday night.”

“What? That’s madness. How can we be a family and not watch movies on Friday night?”

“You’re only going to be raising her now, no fun for you.”

“Woe is I. I’m going to sleep my sadness away.”

“Help me put her to bed first.”

“Anything for you, sweetie.”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

Lucifer stifled a laugh, and Lilith merely rolled her eyes at him. They walked to Charlie’s room in comfortable silence, and only then did they say anything once their daughter was placed in the crib. Lilith and Lucifer kissed her forehead before putting her in. Lucifer whispered.

“Goodnight, Charlie.”

**Author's Note:**

> The page reloaded and ended up deleting half of it oopsies 
> 
> Um I’ll write stuff when I can


End file.
